Could god carry a rock bigger than himself?

My step mom came out so good out of her surgery. She has Parkinsons disease and had an electrical transmiter put in her brain. All of us in the family were so worried but thank god she is doing better than OK. The beautiful woman is dancing again and being her old silly self. Before the operation she had almost lost all control of her arms and legs. Maybe there is a god? Well if you're there I thank you for giving Bimba back her body.

I think about moments like these and know there is a bigger purpose than suffering. While Bimba was going through all of her pain (past 10 yrs.) I almost lost all faith in god. Why would he bring this on to a great and giving person? I've lost a few other loved ones in the resent past and ask the same? I'm not god, but could god carry a rock bigger than himself? I doubt it.....

About my cat and crying at the mall.....

I feel really pathetic at the moment, I joined catster and created a profile for my cat. It's actually kind of humorus and I can talk about my cat in there with people that actually care to listen. Honestly most people don't care to listen to stories about my cat, unless they have a cat also.

I went to the mall with my son yesterday to do some Christmas shopping; we are at the last minute getting the packages to the States on time. I was walking from store to store and kept hearing all these old classic Christmas songs and it makes me sad. Christmas time brings up painfull memories for me, especially if I hear a song that is connected to the bad memories. I managed to ignore it until I heard these young girls singing together and they were so happy. I found an ATM machine and turned my back to my son to hide the fact that I was breaking down in public and crying. Anyway, I had a few more gifts to take care of today and decided to go to this small town outside of Reykjavik and shop in a family run gift store. I hate malls, loud Christmas music and people rushing around me when I shop for a loved one. It was wonderful to shop in the little mom and pops store and the service was great.

I think that there is a solution to all of our discomforts, we just have to make a new road/path that makes us feel comfortable in life.

Elsku afi minn

My grandfather passed away 8 days ago. His funeral was yesterday and I feel so blank. I couldn't cry I just felt frozen and empty inside. He was such a kind and hard working man. I love this picture of him, I took it 2 or 3 years ago and he was so happy that day. This is how I want to remember him always.

Returning as a cat?

A loved one is sick and I feel helpless? I believe in god but don't trust him? Life has taught me that it's up to the humans and that is not always a good leader. In my next life I hope I return as a cat. Cats are honest and know how to enjoy the moment. Cats don't have to worry about the bills or being cool. They know that they're cool and don't need acceptance on that fact.

I've been busy at work and hate the rat race I'm caught up in.

Tyler got an 8.6 (A) average on his report card! I'm so proud! He's also experimenting with the Linux system and down loaded it on his computer. Future computer nerd? He misses Eve, Vin and the Pollo bird so much. We loves Eve and Co.

Be the change you want to see in this World

Today was a sad day, I watched on TV as the horrors were unfolding in London. I still get a feeling that this isn't real but in a way I was expecting it for so long. It's sad to think that our sense of freedom in the Western World is being threatened like this. It pisses me off that Iceland is one of the countries that supported the Iraqi war and has sent men over there, so I guess we're on the terrorists shit list as of now? We as humans can't let some loser terrorists that blow themselves up in buses take away our freedom and security. I believe in a higher power and I think the goodness in this World can eventually overpower this evil force.

My thought for today is a saying by Gandhi:
"Be the change you want to see in this World"

The G8 Convention

What's on my mind today is the G8 Convention and what a bunch of idiots run this World we live in. Bush is coming to the convention but refuses to cut down on polution or even acknowledge the treaty which most of the industrialized world has. The global warming is not as important as the U.S. economy? I'm starting to think that the man has a very low IQ, "Where the hell will we be if we keep on poluting this earth you moron!"

Alot of the protesters are being blocked from entering Edinburg and they have 4000 armed police officers to control 5000 people? There are going to be some shameful human violations because of this summit.

Why is it wherever George Bush goes to a summit protesters end up getting locked up or caged off? HMMMM..............

A Close Call!

A crazy thing happened to me this morning while I was driving to work. All of a sudden a car from the opposite lane came driving towards me on my lane. This is a high way where people drive 90-100 km per hour. My reflexes were quick and I stepped on the brakes as the driver of the other car goes off the highway down a steep hill. I stopped my car and ran outside after him, another man had reached his car and was pulling him out. This guy was passed out and having an epileptic seusure and there was blood pouring out of his left ear. We called an ambulance and checked the guy out to make sure he was alright, eventually he gained consciousness and had no idea what was going on. What pissed me off though was the fact that the other guy who was helping him out just assumed he was on drugs. I've taken care of epileptic patients before and he was having an attack which makes people pass out and lose all touch with reality. This man shouldn't be driving though and they're not strict enough here in Iceland about banning people who get seusures from driving their cars. Another thing that shocked me is the fact that only 2 of us got out and helped this man out, everyone else just drove on by. Humans can really be sickening sometimes.

After this experience I'm kind of numb and afraid to drive, it was a close call and I don't want to think about what could have happened if this man would have crashed into my car. I drive on this highway everyday to work and have kind of become immune to all the accidents that happen regurarly but this woke me up a little. Alot of people have died on this highway it's kind of looked at as a deathtrap. Maybe I should move closer to my work place, it would also save me 90 minutes each day of not having to drive?

Anyway, I came home tonight and held my son tightly and thanked god for this day and everyday I share with my loved ones.

Bring on the night I couldn't stand another hour of daylight!

I haven't seen the dark for a month now, it's complete daylight for the next few months. I'm actually feeling depressed which doesn't make sense. I'm blasting 'the Police' right now, this song describes my feelings so well at the moment:

The afternoon has gently passed me by
The evening spreads its sail against the sky
Waiting for tomorrow
Just another day
God bid yesterday goodbye

Bring on the night
I couldn't spend another hour of daylight
Bring on the night
I couldn't stand another hour of daylight

The future is but a question mark
Hangs above my head there in the dark
Can't see for the brightness
Is staring me blind
God bid yesterday goodbye

Depression got a Hold of me Again

I've been dealing with some depression lately, it hits me without a warning at the strangest times. Usually I just isolate myself but this time I tried to do good things for people around me and it eased the pain a little. My youngest brother stayed with us for a while and it felt giving to spoil him and my son a little bit. They went out to the store the other day and bought a bunch of candy and boy did they have a feast in the living room that night. Having my brother around has also brought some life into the house, kids running around and jumping on the trampoleene all day, trashing the place and dirtying up the floors, you've got to love it.

I think a big part of my depression is this sadness that hits me which basicly deals with unsolved issues from my childhood, sometimes I doubt that I will ever be at peace with some of the people that betrayed my trust. I think being betrayed as a child is so much worse because we don't have the maturity to comprehend the weaknesses in grown ups, we look up to them like gods in a way. I go through this sadness and the pain is so hard to accept sometimes, I try to avoid it but it returns unexpected and hits me harder.

I haven't planned my summer vacation yet and have been avoiding it, I must psyche myself up to get some ideas. I'm going to go pet my cat now and listen to some more 'Cat Stevens', he usually cheers me up.

I'm Being a Hermit Today

I'm being a hermit today, most of my family is getting together to watch "Erovision" tonight and I personally can't stand it, it's a song comptetion in Europe where each country sends in a horrible singer and the best song wins? Abba is the only good thing to have come out of that, that tells me everything. I'm blasting Ministry right now, my cat is scared to death of their music he's hiding under the bed.

I have to do some work but I'm tempted to go out with my friend tonight, she's a fisherman and comes home for 4 days each month and likes to go nuts at the bars in Reykjavik. I'll wait and see how my mood will be later on tonight.

I called my friend Jolene thursday and I miss her so much, we got to know each other at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh in 1989. She's going to Amsterdam this summer and I'm so tempted to go meet her this year, she goes there every summer and has been asking me to join her. ARRGHH I miss Jolene, she always brings a smile to my face when I talk to her.

Currently blasting: The Land of Rape and Honey By Ministry

I'm not a Mechanic or Mechanicly Inclined!

I was looking at my mail on Myspace and have received some really crazy letters from this one person which was on my friends list, like multiple personality sounding fantasy, extremly lame bullshit.

Why would anyone actually think I would need a detailed description on how they are going to build airplanes and ships? I though "is this for real, does this person really think I'm interested in a 500 word essay twice a week about building ships and airplanes?" I'm not a mechanic or mechanicly inclined!

I deleted him and hope he has the sense to join a community online that embraces his interest in airplane and ship building.

Stitch me back together love

I'm sitting here in a place called life!
I'm feeling it but not really liking it?
I'm living it but where is the essence?
Where is the feeling of wanting to go on?
Wanting to love, wanting to discover?

I want to go on and live a life where I feel real.
I want to capture the essence of love and fall
apart!

Stitch me back together love............

The Lady has a Scar

That is how I feel alot of the times, my soul has a scar that will never go away. It's strange how some things we experience in life shape us so deeply and never go away. Having a scar doesn't have to be that bad though, some of my bad experiences have actually made me stronger and gave me the ability to help some friends through very rough times. I also don't get scared when people flip out or use mental abuse, I have become immune to it and actually laugh at them; which is the best weapon for that kind of abuse. Having a scar has also left me feeling strange and alone in a World full of of people that all want to be the same and some times they look and feel the same to me.

So please don't heal or remove these scars, they give me character!

I actually enjoyed baking?

I've been so busy the past weeks, my son had his confirmation and I baked for like 50 people. It was alot of work but I actually enjoyed baking, I felt a need to stay at home. Seriously, I work like 9 hours a day and never have time to do little things like bake or cook a good meal that takes some time. After all the baking I did my apartment was so trashed, I swear I was like picking chocolate chips off my socks for a few days and every thing in the kitchen was covered with flour.

Anyway, my son was very happy with all the cakes and he got alot of nice presents from our relatives.

Another painful episode in my life?

I just cut off all my hair, I couldn't stand it any more! It will grow back and the haircut doesn't look too bad on me. This winter has been so busy and my long hair was getting in my way and taking too much time to take care of, so out came the scissors and I cut away.

I've been chatting with my first boyfriend online for about a month now, he actually found me on this singles thing here in Iceland and gave me a call one day. It's really strange getting in touch with some one I dated 20 years ago, god I'm getting old. He was my first love and I have always kept a place for him in my heart. I am accepting the fact that he's still the same guy that broke my heart back then and I have a feeling he hasn't changed much. So why do I invite this into my life, could it be that I'm attracted to men that play evil mind games? He's seriously messing with my head at the moment and I really don't need another painful episode in my life, I must close this door and walk away. There is so much good in life and surrounding myself with it is not that hard, all I need to do is keep listening to my heart.

Flipping out on a Friday Night!

Yes! It's Friday and I'm in a great mood, dancing and blasting music all by myself. My son went to stay at his friends so I can act crazy without bothering any one, well my neighbors and cats might get a little pissed at me ;-) I'm blasting 80's right now and will get to the 70's soon. I've had a really long work week and deserve to flip out a bit.

My employer will most likely close down next year so being prepared is a smart move. I have been a bit depressed over this but after my class in NYC I felt an energy boost to keep on going. That's what life is all about, keep on going even if everything seems bleak and hopeless.

Now I've got ABBA blasting, "Money, Money, Money; must be funny in a rich man's World!" I'm starting to feel bad for my neighbors now.....

Blow Me!

I swear to god, some people need to get a life! I was watching TV last night and this show about a Beverly Hills hair Salon was on (Blow Out), I guess it was one of those reality shows which are very popular today. Anyway, the show was about this owner that totally picked on his employees and talked behind their backs every chance he got??? Is this kind of shit really popular today?? What's going on with this world, do we get off on seeing people treat each other like shit? I really wanted to tell that owner off after watching that show, and I really can't believe they would do a whole TV show about an asshole like him?

I think it's, No More reality TV in my home, I really don't want my son watching that stuff and thinking it's alright to mentally abuse people every chance you get.

ARRRGH, life hurts!

I haven't had time to blog for over a month, alot has been going on in my life. I went to NYC for eight days to take a class, the class was great but it was so cold in the city. It was actually alot colder in NYC than in Iceland!

I met up with my good friend Eve and went to a great Indian restaurant, god I missed the various types of food you can find in NY. It was very sad though because Eve's mom got diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Eve's been through so much in the past year and I really didn't see a reason to be happy that night. Her mom passed away tuesday night after battling cancer for a year. All of this brought up the memories of the cancer my grandmother died of and I realize that we grieve forever, the pain just eases a little bit, but it will always be there.

Eve did get silly drunk and grab my ass though, yeah baby ;-)

-The picture is of Eve and I taken 1986 in a photo booth at the mall.

Self-pity moved in and almost took over the place

It's been so dark and I've been bitching up a storm and embracing self-pity. Yes self-pity moved in and almost took over the place, before I know it I'm struggling to get up in the morning because I've got her as an excuise. Anyway I woke up and smelled the coffee today! I was baking for my son's birthday and realized how good I've got it and I should feel shame when I complain. Life is a struggle for all of us but I've come a long way and should never resort to old ways of ripping myself down to nothing. I have it good and you don't know how good you've got it until you've gotten out of a struggle.

Yes this is my thought for today and I love the fact that I can blogg this stuff without anyone censoring or threatening me.

Yes, I've got it good.

Depression Episode # 897

I'm getting another depression episode and basicly because I have so many responsibilities the next 3 months. I become paralyzed with worries and accomplish alot less than when I'm feeling normal. I just read this quote:

"Concern should drive us into action and not into depression."
- Karen Horney


I am going to try and keep up the action to avoid the depression. The weather here has also been so bad and it's been so dark, thank god I'm going to the States in a few weeks, I'll get a little sunshine to nourish my brain.