Happy New Years!

I'm looking forward to tonight, my son and I just bought $90 worth of fireworks and we're going to shoot up alot. Iceland is a great place to be on New Years Eve, most people buy fireworks and have a great time.

I wish I were at a bar with Pig Alloy at the moment

Current mood: depressed

I'm working alot at the moment and feel overwhelmed and an urge to sink into the good old place of self-pity? Why don't we humans see how good we have it, I've come a long way baby and I can't forget that as long as I live. My life today is nothing that I dared dream of when I was younger, I have rights and comforts that most of the women of this World don't even know about. I fought my way out of a destructive life and came out so much stronger. Hey it's Christmas and it's making me all weird, today I have the gift of making new and great memories........................ Yes I will get over this depressive episode and fix something that needs fixing inside of me!

I love you grandma, you will always own a big piece of my heart

Today is a day to remember the good we have and the good people that we have lost in life. I got emotional today and started missing my grandmother, she spoiled me to death around Christmas and I feel so much emptiness since she passed away. I remember her like I just saw her yesterday and the sound of her voice and smell of her cooking echoes in my mind. I tried to make a home cooked meal like grandma used to, everything from scratch; I felt her in my heart as I almost burned the potatoes but her voice telling me to lower the heat and add more butter. I love you grandma, you will always own a big piece of my heart .

Rambling 121304

I can't fall asleep and it's like 1:30 in the morning. I went to my dad's for dinner and drank too much coffee even though I've gotta be up around 6:00 in the morning. I fall so easily to temptations even when I know they're bad for me. So I'm going to mope around and read some more books and hopefully I'll get to sleep soon ;-(

ARRGHH, I want the sun!

I've been so busy preparing for Christmas. I think I got carried away this year, I painted my living room and couldn't resist doing my hallway also. I'm enjoying this and that is what counts, I always manage to keep myself busy in the dark winter months.

It's been dark and raining for almost a week now, ARRGH I want the sun! My friend in the States ask me how I can stand this, sometimes it does become unbearable, especially if there's no snow to light up the environment.

Gotta get back to painting the apartment .

I have to put my little cat to sleep

I'm feeling really down today because I have to put my little cat to sleep. She was starting to attack people and cried all night. I guess insanity exists in cats also, she hasn't felt good or been herself for a long time now. I'm going home and I will spend some time with her before I bring her to the vets.

My Thoughts on Forgiving the Past

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
-Lewis B. Smedes

I'm working hard on forgiving some people in my past and I believe when I have accomplished that I will have a brighter and happier future. Anger and resentment are like open wounds that keep getting picked open, eventually it gets infected and spreads through out your whole life. I have a great Psychiatrist that gives me assignments every two weeks and he wants me to reflect on many of my behaviors that are caused by bad experiences from childhood. It is unbelieveable how I'm controlled and programmed from some thing that happened 30 yrs. ago?? It is also unbelieveable how I have let some people control me by being angry at them. Being angry makes you a prisoner of your own negative emotions and prevents us from experiencing life to it's fullest potential.

Enough thinking for today; I'm going home soon and I'm going to paint my living room a blue grey color, it brings out all my paintings and photographs on the wall.

I'm Strange

I started putting up Christmas lights with my son yesterday, the Christmas mood is getting to me. It's so dark here in the winter so I love surrounding myself with blue lights and lots of candles. We have 13 Santa Clauses in Iceland and they have an evil mom and dad, not like the jolly Santa in the States. Our Santa Clauses like to play tricks on people and if you're bad they send their big bad cat to come take you away. I grew up with stories like this, no wonder I'm strange, LOL.

I'm at work right now and I'd rather be at home baking and decorating, relaxing with a good book and listening to some good music. I have to get back to work..................the boss is coming!

Spiritual Mom

in my heart I know your soul
and I will never let you go.
Sit down beside me and taste the tears
follow the rust and avoid all fears.
You are my young one, I'll never let go,
just as long as you respect your soul.
Spiritual mom is worrying tonight,
just don't let the feelings get tight.

You are my baby I'll hold you all night,
wrapped up inside me I hope it's all bright?

It's a reputation

Normally I would, but..........
the reputation percedes the longing
I've held inside of my heart.

Normally I would, but the hunger is starting to feel sane.
Maybe I should, but
the world is going insane.

I've waited forever, wrapped up too tight.
Wondering if tonight it was right?

How can I hold you, without a regret.
Wondering if time will
let us forget

...It's a reputation

I feel so grateful today

I feel so grateful today, I'm living the life I always dreamed off. I got promoted to another department at work and I'm working with really outgoing and smart people. I never would have imagined that I could make a descent living as a Graphic Designer; with alot of work my dream has come true.

I came home last night and relaxed with my son and crazy cats, I have a normal but busy life. When I was growing up we were always going between parents and grandparents, very unstable and miserable living environment. I always dreamed of having a normal home and I have been able to give my son that.

Enough about me, my brothers just became fathers within 2 weeks of each other. The funny thing is is that my sister and I had our sons within 10 days of each other. My father thinks we planned this all out,ha ha.

I feel like a kid at Christmas

I just got a new computer and I feel like a kid at Christmas, have been playing with my new toy all day. What tops it off is my Whacom pen and beautiful pictures of friends. I feel overwhelmed with things that most people don't ever get to know in this life. Yes computers and nice clothes are my material weakness.

The simple things in life bring tears to my eyes and make me feel so rich

I'm finally all better after being sick this week. I went to the Doctor's today for some blood tests because I've been sick like 4 times this year and very tired for a month now. The first thing I though was oh no I have cancer, he assured me it's just to see if I have any deficiencies or any thing abnormal in my blood. I just hope it's a reaction to all the stress I've been under lately. Doctors scare me, especially when they want to make me take a blood test, ARRGH!

I sat in bed with my son tonight and we had the kittens with us, we just sat there and watched them explor this new life they're apart off. The simple things in life bring tears to my eyes and make me feel so rich.

Sitting here in my Betty Boop pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon

I'm sitting here in my Betty Boop pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon on a friday, life is great. I have a day off at work every other friday. My son went to school this morning and I've just been laying around and reading. I appreciate being alone at times and getting some time to think. When I get times to myself there is no cleaning allowed or work, just spoil myself and do something I've been putting off for a while.

My friend Sara doesn't have a car and needs a ride to the mall tomorrow, I hate the mall really hate it, but I'm willing to go in there for her. What are friends for. My son has a big social life now on weekends and I am going to be alone tomorrow night with no responsibilites, I have to come up with some ideas on what I can do?

I have the damn Greyhounds running for you

It's been a long day and I want a cold Heineken right now ;-) It would fit perfectly with the couch and pajamas. I was fixing up my website this weekend and I'm dealing with a bad case of perfectionism, it sucks not being able to feel satisfied with ones work. I tried to get my mind of it and started doing some thing completely different, posted some silly Bulletins on here and research some information on webdesign color pallets. I'm worried about my friend Pig Alloy, he's been depressed and getting into Alister Crowley tarrot cards; maybe he's just messing with us but I keep worrying about him. I've known him since '99 and I've never seen him act this strange. So if you read this Alloy, remember I have the damn Greyhounds running for you and I've even made pigs fly.

Enemies are so stimulating

Enemies are so stimulating.
- Katharine Hepburn

This is so true; I don't mind the fact that people hate me or dislike me, I only mind it when they manage to get me down. In a way being hated is very stimulating, there must be some thing about me that is worth the envy and time they are putting into hating me. I will enjoy the attention and keep on going my own way. If my independence and success piss you off, too bad I worked my ass off to get to where I'm today and have earned all the good I have in my life.

The winds have gone up to 70 mph

The winds have gone up to 70 mph and it's getting dark and cold. I love my country but when the weather gets like this I want to go far away to a warm tropical place. I was driving to work this morning and I could swear it felt like my car was going to flip off the road. It's good to get a blanket and hot chocolate and read a good book on days like this; it kind of makes the storm outside a bit romantic.

in Amsterdam drinking coffee

I can't be damaged......................Many have tried and many may try in the future but I can't be undone if I hold onto my belief in the goodness in life. Hurt me as you will but it won't damage me because I won't let your negative force into my life. I see the future and even the now and it's so bright and happy, I hear the birds singing and look at the sun; things couldn't be better than this.

Tony and Jolene want to meet me in Amsterdam; I see myself drinking coffee and enjoying the sun, many good people around me with the Agent finally getting me to enjoy the Fun ;-)

If I do meet the midget I'll give him a hug and thank him for believing in me when I felt so small and alone.

My thought on responsibility

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. - Albert Ellis

As I've mentioned here before I forgave some one from my childhood recently and felt so much relief. Following that I have started going through my resentments and realize that all of my problems in life are my responsibility. I may not deserve some of the things that have happened in my past but I take full responsibility for how I deal with them today. Every end result of a situation I go through depends on how I deal with it. I feel so much relief and I know that the best years of my life have just begun. Waking up in the morning with a clear mind and no anger or resentments is wonderful.

Thought for Today

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
-Alfred D. Souza

I experience this feeling alot, like my life will begin as soon as I'm done doing this or that. I look back at my life and it seems like I always let the obstacles blind me, like I can't look at the forest because the trees are in my way. I am at a point now where I am trying to stop dwelling on all the problems and just go through them, thinking about them won't make them disappear.I've been very busy at work and my daily routine is actually alot of fun if I remember to sleep well and appreciate the little things that I forget when I start worrying about some thing that can be solved anyway. Yes life is alot of work but I am going to go through it with a positive attitute.

What makes life beautiful?

I'm thinking about all the great things in life that make it so beautiful and worth living. I get depressed sometimes and have learned that the best way out of depression is to count your blessings, it's kind of like positive conditioning and it usually works.

-I know that when I wake up feeling down and hopeless it's just a moment in life that passes by, the only way is up some times.

-I have had so many life experiences that most people will only dream of.

-I have had the pleasure of having a few great friends that mean the world to me because they have given me what I needed when I felt like life had given up on me.

-I gave birth to the most beautiful child when I was 20 yrs. old and have had the opportunity to raise him on my own with good results, he's the kindest and smartest person I've met in this life.

-I live in a country where people don't have to worry about getting fed or proper medical attention, there is no real poverty in Iceland.

-I can feel and see the sun when I wake up in the morning and hear the beautiful birds singing by my window.

-when I feel all alone and cry on my pillow I have a wonderful cat that licks my tears away and listens with out judging; by the way I know he's the Buddha.

Thought for Today

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.
-M. Scott Peck


When I have wanted to change my path in life it's usually been because a situation I've been going through has brought me to a point where I don't feel satisified with my life at that moment. Hard times and struggles do inspire new ideas and a willingness to change and to try some thing new. I love life for it's hard times, those are what have truly shaped me, strengthened me and made me see the endless posibilities of trying some thing new.

Dream 092404

I've been sick for the past few days and I'm sick of it. I hate laying in bed and doing nothing but feeling bodily pain. I have a bad headache and a high fever, poor me I feel so dysfunctional and alone right now. This is the only time I feel like I'm lacking some thing by being single, it's lonely being sick alone.

I've been dreaming alot of strange and happy dreams though where my loved ones are happy and doing good. I had a dream that I purchased this old apartment with 3 kitchens in it and no bedrooms? All of my family members which I've had problems with recently were in this new apartment and eating great meals with me; I guess since I had 3 kitchens I had to use them all. I wonder what that dream means?

Surround Yourself with People that Bring Out the Best in You

Why waste your time on some one that is bringing you down or making you feel bad about yourself. I want to surround myself with people that bring out the best in me and I bring out the best in them. Life is too short to waste your time hanging out with people you don't like but feel sorry for. Seriously I have had friends that I didn't really like but I felt really sorry for them and didn't want to hurt their feelings.

My thought for today on intuition

Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.
-Dr. Joyce Brothers

I've been thinking about this alot, my son is growing up and I have always told him to trust his hunches or intuitions. I can look back at life and usually when I didn't follow my intuitions I ended up being hurt in the long run. Then I try to analyze this and think what the hell is this gut feeling we get when we get a bad feeling about a person or a situation? I would like to believe it's my higher power/god giving me words of wisdom. We spend all our life looking for physical evidence of a god and all along he is the voice inside of my heart that has always been there for me when I wanted to listen.

Thinking alot on a saturday afternoon

I'm all alone this weekend, my son went on a trip and won't be back until tomorrow. I'm so used to being alone with him and my weekends are always planned around him. This is weird, having all this time and I can't think of anything to do besides read?

Well a good friend of mine just called and invited me over tonight, she's also a single mom and works too much like me. She has some French wine for us to drink and then we're going to go out to a club and dance until the sun comes up.

I'm thinking about going back to College and adding to my Graphic Arts Degree; my son will be leaving the nest soon and I'll have so much time to myself. I learned how to play the classical guitar as a child and I look at it all the time collecting dust in the living room corner, I could get new strings put on it and start playing it again? There's a fear of it though, I have no idea why, I usually do everything I set my mind to? I'm afraid of my guitar.

My cat is seducing me right now, licking my toes and rubbing himself against my thighs. Why are cats such passionate creatures, they are so free when it comes to expressing their feelings. I can just picture humans being this open, rubbing up against each other in public when they need affection.

I love you; for my good friend Billiam

I love you for knowing me better than I know myself. I love you for calling me and giving me the best advice. I love you for forgiving me so many times, and I love you for being so true and just like you.

Yes Billiam I love you

Though for today

"The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget."
-Hazrat Inayat Khan

I just forgave a person from my childhood this weekend and this is what I felt, it is so good to forgive because slowly you end up forgetting the pain and anger. I confronted this person and for the first time she was willing to listen to my point of view and the end of our conversation left me with so much peace and love? I also realize that forgiving some one is not the same as letting some one hurt you again, and forgiving is not the same as trusting some one again who has betrayed you in the past. I think that I should have done this many years ago but I really wasn't ready then; so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I wake up with a smile now.

Another thought for today
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.
-Elaine Maxwell

Grateful for the Simple Little Life on this Little Island Called Iceland

I woke up a while ago and can't get back to sleep, I hate when that happens! I woke up at like 6:30 this morning and didn't get a chance to relax until 7:00 pm tonight and ended upfalling asleep on the couch for half an hour. So that means I will most likely stay awake for another hour turning in my bed and before I know it it'll be 6:30 in the morning. So I decide to blog instead of twisting and turning in frustration.

I had a really busy but good day today. I drove to work in the morning and the winds were more than 20 mph, so I opened the window and let the rain splash on my face as I drove about 65 mph while singing some Tom Waits songs really loud. When I got home from work my son greeted me with a big hug and we talked for hrs. tonight. I am so grateful for having this simple little life on this little Island called Iceland. Yes the weather can really suck but when I get home after battling the storms I have a beautiful son and my 2 strange cats waiting for me. It cracked me up when I was changing my clothes tonight I noticed both of my cats sitting together and watching me intently as if they were waiting for me to offer them the meaning of life; all they need though was a little attention and fresh water in their bowl.

Yes I sit here at the computer at 2:30 in the morning and realize that all the good in life can always over power the bad things we have to deal with. I find myself wanting to go into a negative time frame sometimes and all I have to do is think of moments like tonight and I feel ashamed for even wanting to complain. I've got it good and that's more than anyone could ask for.

Need to try the bed again, maybe I'll get a few hrs. of sleep?

My Thought for Today

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.That will be the beginning.-Louis L'Amour

I've been thinking alot about when we go through hard times in life and there's a feeling that there isn't a way out of the problems that surround us. When I go through the past year in my mind there have been alot of downs, some so bad that I lost all hope and in a way gave up on the strength that is within me. About a year ago the Company I worked for was down sizing and I got the good old pink slip in the mail; this happens about a month after my grandmother died from battling cancer for 3 yrs. I thought that my life was going down the drains, my grandmother who was always like a mother to me and showed me so much support had been taken away and then my good income had been taken away from me. It was a time in my life that I seriously thought that everything good had come to an end. I couldn¥t sleep worrying about the bills and the future for my son.

One day I get a call from a Company to Freelance a website for them, they had seen something I had designed by accident and got a hold of me. I got a few other Websites to Freelance and all of a sudden I was actually making more money than at my job, I couldn't believe how my luck was turning around and I hadn't even done anything to get these jobs? Eventually I get offered a better paying job working for the same Company but under a different Department, that just topped it all of , I started thinking that this is too good to be true there's something bad going to happen?

Anyway that was a time for me where I thought everything I had worked so hard for was finished, but it turned out to be just the beginning. Sometimes changes can be so hard and going through them is harder than staying the same; but in the long run change has always offered me a chance to grow and open my mind up to the beautiful possibilites that exist in this World.

Happy Dreams

I woke up in a great mood today, I had some happy dreams but can't remember them in detail. Beautiful colors, sun, happy people getting together, erotic love making, being out in a field full of sunflowers and running around.

Fingerprints

Leonard Cohen writes the most beautiful lyrics. I look a him as a poet rather than a musician.


I touched you once too often
Now I don't know who I am
My fingerprints were missing
When I wiped away the jam

Yes I called my fingerprints all night
But they don't seem to care
The last time that I saw them
They were leafing through your hair

Fingerprints, fingerprints
Where are you now my fingerprints?

Yeah I thought I'd leave this morning
So I emptied out your drawer
A hundred thousand fingerprints
They floated to the floor

You know you hardly stopped to pick them up
You don't care what you lose
Ah you don't even seem to know
Whose fingerprints are whose

Fingerprints, fingerprints
Where are you now my fingerprints?

And now you want to marry me
You want to take me down the aisle
You want to throw confetti fingerprints
You know that's not my style

O sure I'd like to marry you
But I can't face the dawn
With any girl who knew me
When my fingerprints were on

Fingerprints, fingerprints
Where are you now my fingerprints?

Fingerprints, oh fingerprints
Where are you now my fingerprints?

-Leonard Cohen

Bitching about the junk and traveling back in time with memories

I've been cleaning out some closets at home and it's so strange how I have all this junk I had totally forgotten about???? Where does it all come from, I think it's a conspiracy; Aliens put all this junk in my house to make me miserable! Actually I went back in time while looking in some old boxes, old notes or letters, old ticket stubs from shows, candy wrap from the first boy that kissed me ;-)

Yes I'm a packrat but I'm cleaning my closets and giving away a bunch of stuff so it's alright. I already filled 4 large bags with clothes, toys and books; damn how am I going to ship this stuff out of here?! Well I've got to keep working....................bitching about the junk and traveling back in time with memories.

Some Good Quotes on Friendship

A simple friend thinks the friendship over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight
-Unknown

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-Mencius

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
-Oscar Wilde

One loyal friend is better than ten thousand family members.
-Unknown

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
- Elbert Hubard

"I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow."
-Cher

"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
- Oscar Wilde

A Thank You Note

This is a beautiful poem written by a Polish woman; I find so much comfort in reading poetry and finding how it can relate to what I'm thinking or going through.

There is much I owe
to those I do not love.

The relief in accepting
they are closer to another.

Joy that I am not
the wolf to their sheep.

My peace be with
them for with them I am free,
and this, love can neither give,
nor know how to take.

I don't wait for them
from window to door.
Almost as patient
as a sun dial,
I understand
what love does not understand.
I forgive
what love would never have forgiven.

Between rendezvous and letter
no eternity passes,
only a few days or weeks.

My trips with them always turn out well.
Concerts are heard.
Cathedrals are toured.
Landscapes are distinct.

And when seven rivers and mountains
come between us,
they are rivers and mountains
well known from any map.

It is thanks to them
that I live in three dimensions,
in a non-lyrical and non-rhetorical space,
with a shifting, thus real, horizon.

They don't even know
how much they carry in their empty hands.
"I don't owe them anything",
love would have said
on this open topic.

-by Wislawa Szymborska

What is a poem?

What is a poem?

It's a feeling that flows from the heart, but can never become a fact.

It is a mistake and it is also a hope for a life we're not a part of.

A poem is a gift we might be lucky enough to receive but when it's taken and used to decieve it will turn into bitter words and the poem is torn apart.

It turns into hate and deception and it was never meant to be.......


I'm writing this because for the first time in my life someone has taken a poem of mine and actually tried to manipulate and control me with the words I wrote in it. I gave it as a gift, it is not a reflection of me, it is a reflection of my feelings and doubts I felt for a situation I was going through. If every poem were a fact than it is not creative and spontanious anymore.

It was pride that changed angels into devils

It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.
-Saint Augustine

I woke up this morning and had my strong cup of coffee and contemplated this saying by Saint Augustine; it says it all and you can apply it to everything in your life. When I feel proud and defensive my life usually takes a turn for the worse and I'm faced with the fact that I can be evil. I've been thinking alot about humility but my pride keeps telling me don't let go, Be proud and strong! When I have experienced humility and embraced it my life has in the end taken a turn for the better. This is a never ending struggle between two extremely different forces and being aware of it can hopefully help me accept humility as a better choice. I'm reminded of the devil and the angel on the guys shoulder's in the cartoons I watched when I was growing up, it's actually the easiest way to describe this to anyone.

So I have had some humiliating issues going on in my life and all I could do was let go of the situation and go on with life. Life doesn't stop if my ego or pride have been hurt; it does stop though if I get stuck in a never ending battle to defend my pride. I am a child of this earth and make mistakes, I have a right to and embracing this fact makes me realize that humility is actually the biggest strength I get to go on and take life for what it is and isn't.

I must learn to see the forest and not let the trees get in my way

My old roomate from Pittsburgh just called me tonight and I feel so energized after the long talk we had. He just came back from Cambodia and it totally changed his perspective on life and the way he described it I felt a wake up call inside of myself. I'm so happy for him, he has finally found happiness after a long rough road he's had to travel. I love the fact that I have a few good friends where we have stuck together through the good and hard times, Billiam is one of them.

We rented a beat up old house on the South Side while going to college, hardly had money for food and fought like cats and dogs sometimes; but we always knew our friendship was deep and in the end the everyday struggles were forgotten and what brought us together in the first place remained just as strong.

Yes I'm happy and I am so grateful for the wisdom a friend like Billiam has given me; I must learn to see the forest and not let the trees get in my way.

I'm the richest person on earth

My son came back from the States yesterday after a five week trip; it was so great to have the family together again. My wonderful son and two cats, we had a cozy night and all of us hung out together on the couch watching Television. My son fell asleep in my arms and I got tears in my eyes; I'm the richest person on earth when I get moments like this, my little miracle is growing up and the love I feel for him is stronger than any other emotion I've experienced in life. I am also so grateful for the wisdom he was born with and listening to the stories of his trip made me realize that letting him grow up and go out into the World is the best gift I could give him. He also wants to move back to the States and it just might happen if I keep Freelancing and promoting myself. I just feel over worked alot but I know that in the long run it will all pay off and I'll look back and be happy that I made some sacrifices; like not having much of a social life on weekends and working 10 hrs. on weekdays.

Thought for today "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
- Marcel Proust

....and you again read my mind

It's alright if I can't please the people that want to disfunction my being. Running into my poet that understands my babble makes me forget for a while. I told him I would write this but haven't had the time,but today I realized it was all in our minds? "Oh Megas I was so blind and you again read my mind." When we die we'll hopefully end up in in my living room and have some time to disfunction the sickness in this World's mind.

-He called 5 minutes after I wrote this?

The Hermit Dances With Old People at an Irish Pub!

I went to the Reykjavik Art Festival with a few friends and ended up dancing all night with a bunch of old people in an Irish pup; it was great. I am trying to go out as much as I can before my son gets back from the States; my friends think I'm a hermit and worry about me and encourage me to go out more. I actually love being alone at home reading a good book, I started reading Anna Karenina this morning and haven't left the house all day. I'll go to work tomorrow, get home around 6:00 p.m., heat up some left over pizza and open up the book I'm reading, life is great.

Dreams about Maggi Tanaka

I woke up this morning and recalled having another strange dream. I dreamt that I was talking to my cat Maggi Tanaka, and he was giving me some good advice. In my dreams I always meet my pets and they have so much wisdom to give me and I'm seriously starting to believe that there is a good message behind that, if I follow their advice that is. Anyway, Maggi took me into my past and when we arrived everything was alright and my fears were gone, he showed me that my bad memories only have life if I let them control me; he's a genius.

After all of this I found out that Leo had run out of beer in California, which is very serious early on a friday night. I can't e-mail him a six pack and thought they should have a World delivery service like 1-800-flowers, people could give each other beer all over the World? Good idea but it would never work out, too many laws about alcohol.

My Thought for Today

I hope that I get over the blues of falling in love with another fool.

In the depth of winter

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

This saying is so true and I have to remember it each time that I feel like life has left me out in the cold.

Brain Storming about sex and other good stuff in the middle of the night

I can't fall asleep tonight and I have to be at work in the morning. I came back from the States on sunday and still haven't gotten used to the time difference, having a bunch of friends dropping by hasn't helped me get to bed early either.My good old friend Pig Alloy described me as hot and sweaty in a bikin today and it got me thinking about the difference between men and women; men are in a way too easy and way to visual (not offending your comment Alloy, it flattered me very much). I have gotten to a point in my life where it takes alot more than nice talk and good sex to keep me interested in a man; it's actually a very good place to be at. I actually like the brains and ambitions in a man just as much as the looks and sex; if not even more when it comes to long term relationships. Then I've had some bad luck lately and it has made me realize that I don't follow my heart or have the guts to go out there and hit on this kind of a man, I always let them pick me and usually it ends up me being in the role of trying to save their crazy life???? Duuhh what's wrong with this picture?

I had a really beautiful dream last night and the man in the dream was someone I had picked out and we ended up holding each other, very realistic and happy kind of a dream; woke up smiling. My three year plan is going to include that, go out there and hit on the next guy that turns me on; not wait for him to notice me. Yes I do have a three year plan and I think it's the smartest thing I've done since I applied for a job without my Dr. Martin boots on.

It's like three in the morning now and I have an important job interview at work tomorrow, I better get some sleep and get this promotion.................................

I'm a big baby when I get sick

I ended up in the hospital in Iceland at 6:00 a.m. on saturday; those of you that are from Iceland can just imagine how the emergency room is at that time. I had a severe ear infection as a result of this flue I got and sat there amongst cut up people and angry drunks; one guy even had a huge bite mark on his scalp and the whole situatin was surrealistic. I was in so much pain and sat there crying like a big baby and I assume the doctors thought I was one of the drunks that had gotten into a bar fight that night. I eventually got some medical assistance after the Doctors finnished taking care of a stab victim; not kidding. The good news is that I'm still going to New York and my ear is getting better; I'm a big baby when I get sick and thank god I don't get this sick often.

I guess we can't choose our delusions

I've been sick all week and had to delay my trip to NY :-( I hate laying in bed for days and not doing anything except feel pain and tired, anyway I got delerious from a high fever and thought I was stuck to my sidewalk outside and my cat was trying to get me back into the house. It was so realistic and I kept thinking how did I end up outside, very strange indeed! Why a side walk though, why couldn't I have had a delusion that I was stuck in a cartoon or something? I guess we can't choose our delusions ?

Feeling Guilty for Laying Around Like a Cat

I love this blog in here, I can write anything that comes to mind and most people don't read this anyway; so I can get verbally evil and not feel bad about it.So I have this insane urge to express myself about so many things; I've basically been working like a maniac all day and didn't even have time for lunch or anything. But what surprises me when I'm busy like that is that I start thinking about stuff from my childhood and I start to connect it with the person that I am today; those of you that have grown up in a dysfunctional home know what I'm talking about. I've had enough therapy through the years to forgive my past and let go of my anger, but today I'm starting to connect my workaholic compulsive behavior with so many uncertainties in my youth. When I go through the day at a 100 mph I feel like I will never fall or need someones help; I feel like I'm in control and can do anything I set my mind to! What is really scaring me though is that I'm going on vacation and I must relax, the last time I did that I ended up sleeping, reading, and in between feeling guilty for laying around like a cat. Yes the mind can be funny; it's a no win situation, the guilt for not working and the guilt for working too much!One more day to go and then I must lay around like my cats; sleep, eat, chase some flies and read some good books :-)

My dream of selling everything and becoming a farmer in New Zealand!

God I'm counting down the days to my vacation, and having such a hard time being at work; 2 more days left! I'm packing all my stuff in my car leaving the city and going to stay in the country for a whole week with loved ones. My son Tyler, brother Jon, friend Klara and her son Mani are going to join me and I can't wait. Offcourse I will be doing a little work with Klara, buts it's fun stuff we haven't had time to get started until now. I think I might be a Workaholic or what?And that takes me back to my dream of selling everything and becoming a farmer in New Zealand! I can't stand the 8-5 workday in the city, I have a dream of being out in nature and being my own boss.For those of you that I planned to meet in NY, I will e-mail my mobile .. that I'll be using when I get there. Can't wait to see everyone!

Humility has worn me out

The pain is sweet burning deep down in my heart,my soul is left with empty little holes. Forgiving is easy but forgetting can't be done, the wound keeps on bleeding and spreading it's pain. I stand here and imagine what happiness is and maybe that would make it worth while? People are happy for no reason at all? I'm only happy when I've worn myself out and sit down at night and try to pass out,,, nothing to remember then I forget how to feel..............................and wake up in the morning with humility and worn out.

Repeat the next day

Like the birds outside singing in the morning

I woke up in a good mood today and petted my cat for 30 minutes; I love waking up at five in the morning, drink some strong coffee and listen to the birds outside welcoming the new day. I always imagine if we would take those birds as role models and welcome the day singing early in the morning; imagine how it would be stuck in morning traffic and everyone would be singing or just happy? Or if all of us would go out of our way to reallly ask someone how they've been and really listen when they answer? I think the little things in this life are what matters and make this World beautiful but I realize as I sit here and drink my strong coffee that while I'm running around in my daily rush I totally ignore those little things, like the birds outside singing in the morning.

...and the ability to laugh at myself

I'm overworked and have too many problems going on in my life and I just feel like selling my apartment and moving to New Foundland or something, buy some sheep and become a farmer!!! I am at a point in my life where I realize that this rat race sucks and leaves you with alot of security but oh so empty headed. I'm a single mom and prided myself in the fact that I can put my son in private school, buy him nice clothes, have two cats, etc; all on my paycheck. I woke up a few days ago and realize that what I'm slaving for isn't true security and doesn't really leave anything in the long run, except the apartment maybe. Yes I'm doing this for my son but he doesn't really like the person that I've become; I come home at night and fall asleep on the couch and he knows that I'm not really listening to him in the mornings because I'm running late for work.Oh dear god, please give me wisdom to solve this problem and the ability to laugh at myself when I look back at this point in my life ;-)

Does anybody really know themselves or others?

I was talking to a friend the other day and I got that feeling like I've always know this person, long before I was born; from another life or something. Sometimes I'll get that feeling when I'm with my a friend or family member, but there's another side to this thought. Does anyone really know us, the real deep down inside person we are meant to be? I've been single for so long and have time to contemplate this kind of stuff and I keep coming down to the same conclusion; life is traveled alone and when we're lucky we have someone to share their experiences and hopes with us but we are in this alone, so it's a plus if you like your own company ;-) So the bottom line, that familiar feeling I experience with people is my hope that someone will know the real me? And that familiarity and connection is what brings us together as humans.