A Thank You Note

This is a beautiful poem written by a Polish woman; I find so much comfort in reading poetry and finding how it can relate to what I'm thinking or going through.

There is much I owe
to those I do not love.

The relief in accepting
they are closer to another.

Joy that I am not
the wolf to their sheep.

My peace be with
them for with them I am free,
and this, love can neither give,
nor know how to take.

I don't wait for them
from window to door.
Almost as patient
as a sun dial,
I understand
what love does not understand.
I forgive
what love would never have forgiven.

Between rendezvous and letter
no eternity passes,
only a few days or weeks.

My trips with them always turn out well.
Concerts are heard.
Cathedrals are toured.
Landscapes are distinct.

And when seven rivers and mountains
come between us,
they are rivers and mountains
well known from any map.

It is thanks to them
that I live in three dimensions,
in a non-lyrical and non-rhetorical space,
with a shifting, thus real, horizon.

They don't even know
how much they carry in their empty hands.
"I don't owe them anything",
love would have said
on this open topic.

-by Wislawa Szymborska

What is a poem?

What is a poem?

It's a feeling that flows from the heart, but can never become a fact.

It is a mistake and it is also a hope for a life we're not a part of.

A poem is a gift we might be lucky enough to receive but when it's taken and used to decieve it will turn into bitter words and the poem is torn apart.

It turns into hate and deception and it was never meant to be.......


I'm writing this because for the first time in my life someone has taken a poem of mine and actually tried to manipulate and control me with the words I wrote in it. I gave it as a gift, it is not a reflection of me, it is a reflection of my feelings and doubts I felt for a situation I was going through. If every poem were a fact than it is not creative and spontanious anymore.

It was pride that changed angels into devils

It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels.
-Saint Augustine

I woke up this morning and had my strong cup of coffee and contemplated this saying by Saint Augustine; it says it all and you can apply it to everything in your life. When I feel proud and defensive my life usually takes a turn for the worse and I'm faced with the fact that I can be evil. I've been thinking alot about humility but my pride keeps telling me don't let go, Be proud and strong! When I have experienced humility and embraced it my life has in the end taken a turn for the better. This is a never ending struggle between two extremely different forces and being aware of it can hopefully help me accept humility as a better choice. I'm reminded of the devil and the angel on the guys shoulder's in the cartoons I watched when I was growing up, it's actually the easiest way to describe this to anyone.

So I have had some humiliating issues going on in my life and all I could do was let go of the situation and go on with life. Life doesn't stop if my ego or pride have been hurt; it does stop though if I get stuck in a never ending battle to defend my pride. I am a child of this earth and make mistakes, I have a right to and embracing this fact makes me realize that humility is actually the biggest strength I get to go on and take life for what it is and isn't.

I must learn to see the forest and not let the trees get in my way

My old roomate from Pittsburgh just called me tonight and I feel so energized after the long talk we had. He just came back from Cambodia and it totally changed his perspective on life and the way he described it I felt a wake up call inside of myself. I'm so happy for him, he has finally found happiness after a long rough road he's had to travel. I love the fact that I have a few good friends where we have stuck together through the good and hard times, Billiam is one of them.

We rented a beat up old house on the South Side while going to college, hardly had money for food and fought like cats and dogs sometimes; but we always knew our friendship was deep and in the end the everyday struggles were forgotten and what brought us together in the first place remained just as strong.

Yes I'm happy and I am so grateful for the wisdom a friend like Billiam has given me; I must learn to see the forest and not let the trees get in my way.

I'm the richest person on earth

My son came back from the States yesterday after a five week trip; it was so great to have the family together again. My wonderful son and two cats, we had a cozy night and all of us hung out together on the couch watching Television. My son fell asleep in my arms and I got tears in my eyes; I'm the richest person on earth when I get moments like this, my little miracle is growing up and the love I feel for him is stronger than any other emotion I've experienced in life. I am also so grateful for the wisdom he was born with and listening to the stories of his trip made me realize that letting him grow up and go out into the World is the best gift I could give him. He also wants to move back to the States and it just might happen if I keep Freelancing and promoting myself. I just feel over worked alot but I know that in the long run it will all pay off and I'll look back and be happy that I made some sacrifices; like not having much of a social life on weekends and working 10 hrs. on weekdays.

Thought for today "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
- Marcel Proust

....and you again read my mind

It's alright if I can't please the people that want to disfunction my being. Running into my poet that understands my babble makes me forget for a while. I told him I would write this but haven't had the time,but today I realized it was all in our minds? "Oh Megas I was so blind and you again read my mind." When we die we'll hopefully end up in in my living room and have some time to disfunction the sickness in this World's mind.

-He called 5 minutes after I wrote this?

The Hermit Dances With Old People at an Irish Pub!

I went to the Reykjavik Art Festival with a few friends and ended up dancing all night with a bunch of old people in an Irish pup; it was great. I am trying to go out as much as I can before my son gets back from the States; my friends think I'm a hermit and worry about me and encourage me to go out more. I actually love being alone at home reading a good book, I started reading Anna Karenina this morning and haven't left the house all day. I'll go to work tomorrow, get home around 6:00 p.m., heat up some left over pizza and open up the book I'm reading, life is great.

Dreams about Maggi Tanaka

I woke up this morning and recalled having another strange dream. I dreamt that I was talking to my cat Maggi Tanaka, and he was giving me some good advice. In my dreams I always meet my pets and they have so much wisdom to give me and I'm seriously starting to believe that there is a good message behind that, if I follow their advice that is. Anyway, Maggi took me into my past and when we arrived everything was alright and my fears were gone, he showed me that my bad memories only have life if I let them control me; he's a genius.

After all of this I found out that Leo had run out of beer in California, which is very serious early on a friday night. I can't e-mail him a six pack and thought they should have a World delivery service like 1-800-flowers, people could give each other beer all over the World? Good idea but it would never work out, too many laws about alcohol.

My Thought for Today

I hope that I get over the blues of falling in love with another fool.

In the depth of winter

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

This saying is so true and I have to remember it each time that I feel like life has left me out in the cold.

Brain Storming about sex and other good stuff in the middle of the night

I can't fall asleep tonight and I have to be at work in the morning. I came back from the States on sunday and still haven't gotten used to the time difference, having a bunch of friends dropping by hasn't helped me get to bed early either.My good old friend Pig Alloy described me as hot and sweaty in a bikin today and it got me thinking about the difference between men and women; men are in a way too easy and way to visual (not offending your comment Alloy, it flattered me very much). I have gotten to a point in my life where it takes alot more than nice talk and good sex to keep me interested in a man; it's actually a very good place to be at. I actually like the brains and ambitions in a man just as much as the looks and sex; if not even more when it comes to long term relationships. Then I've had some bad luck lately and it has made me realize that I don't follow my heart or have the guts to go out there and hit on this kind of a man, I always let them pick me and usually it ends up me being in the role of trying to save their crazy life???? Duuhh what's wrong with this picture?

I had a really beautiful dream last night and the man in the dream was someone I had picked out and we ended up holding each other, very realistic and happy kind of a dream; woke up smiling. My three year plan is going to include that, go out there and hit on the next guy that turns me on; not wait for him to notice me. Yes I do have a three year plan and I think it's the smartest thing I've done since I applied for a job without my Dr. Martin boots on.

It's like three in the morning now and I have an important job interview at work tomorrow, I better get some sleep and get this promotion.................................