The Lady has a Scar

That is how I feel alot of the times, my soul has a scar that will never go away. It's strange how some things we experience in life shape us so deeply and never go away. Having a scar doesn't have to be that bad though, some of my bad experiences have actually made me stronger and gave me the ability to help some friends through very rough times. I also don't get scared when people flip out or use mental abuse, I have become immune to it and actually laugh at them; which is the best weapon for that kind of abuse. Having a scar has also left me feeling strange and alone in a World full of of people that all want to be the same and some times they look and feel the same to me.

So please don't heal or remove these scars, they give me character!

I actually enjoyed baking?

I've been so busy the past weeks, my son had his confirmation and I baked for like 50 people. It was alot of work but I actually enjoyed baking, I felt a need to stay at home. Seriously, I work like 9 hours a day and never have time to do little things like bake or cook a good meal that takes some time. After all the baking I did my apartment was so trashed, I swear I was like picking chocolate chips off my socks for a few days and every thing in the kitchen was covered with flour.

Anyway, my son was very happy with all the cakes and he got alot of nice presents from our relatives.

Another painful episode in my life?

I just cut off all my hair, I couldn't stand it any more! It will grow back and the haircut doesn't look too bad on me. This winter has been so busy and my long hair was getting in my way and taking too much time to take care of, so out came the scissors and I cut away.

I've been chatting with my first boyfriend online for about a month now, he actually found me on this singles thing here in Iceland and gave me a call one day. It's really strange getting in touch with some one I dated 20 years ago, god I'm getting old. He was my first love and I have always kept a place for him in my heart. I am accepting the fact that he's still the same guy that broke my heart back then and I have a feeling he hasn't changed much. So why do I invite this into my life, could it be that I'm attracted to men that play evil mind games? He's seriously messing with my head at the moment and I really don't need another painful episode in my life, I must close this door and walk away. There is so much good in life and surrounding myself with it is not that hard, all I need to do is keep listening to my heart.

Flipping out on a Friday Night!

Yes! It's Friday and I'm in a great mood, dancing and blasting music all by myself. My son went to stay at his friends so I can act crazy without bothering any one, well my neighbors and cats might get a little pissed at me ;-) I'm blasting 80's right now and will get to the 70's soon. I've had a really long work week and deserve to flip out a bit.

My employer will most likely close down next year so being prepared is a smart move. I have been a bit depressed over this but after my class in NYC I felt an energy boost to keep on going. That's what life is all about, keep on going even if everything seems bleak and hopeless.

Now I've got ABBA blasting, "Money, Money, Money; must be funny in a rich man's World!" I'm starting to feel bad for my neighbors now.....

Blow Me!

I swear to god, some people need to get a life! I was watching TV last night and this show about a Beverly Hills hair Salon was on (Blow Out), I guess it was one of those reality shows which are very popular today. Anyway, the show was about this owner that totally picked on his employees and talked behind their backs every chance he got??? Is this kind of shit really popular today?? What's going on with this world, do we get off on seeing people treat each other like shit? I really wanted to tell that owner off after watching that show, and I really can't believe they would do a whole TV show about an asshole like him?

I think it's, No More reality TV in my home, I really don't want my son watching that stuff and thinking it's alright to mentally abuse people every chance you get.

ARRRGH, life hurts!

I haven't had time to blog for over a month, alot has been going on in my life. I went to NYC for eight days to take a class, the class was great but it was so cold in the city. It was actually alot colder in NYC than in Iceland!

I met up with my good friend Eve and went to a great Indian restaurant, god I missed the various types of food you can find in NY. It was very sad though because Eve's mom got diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Eve's been through so much in the past year and I really didn't see a reason to be happy that night. Her mom passed away tuesday night after battling cancer for a year. All of this brought up the memories of the cancer my grandmother died of and I realize that we grieve forever, the pain just eases a little bit, but it will always be there.

Eve did get silly drunk and grab my ass though, yeah baby ;-)

-The picture is of Eve and I taken 1986 in a photo booth at the mall.

Self-pity moved in and almost took over the place

It's been so dark and I've been bitching up a storm and embracing self-pity. Yes self-pity moved in and almost took over the place, before I know it I'm struggling to get up in the morning because I've got her as an excuise. Anyway I woke up and smelled the coffee today! I was baking for my son's birthday and realized how good I've got it and I should feel shame when I complain. Life is a struggle for all of us but I've come a long way and should never resort to old ways of ripping myself down to nothing. I have it good and you don't know how good you've got it until you've gotten out of a struggle.

Yes this is my thought for today and I love the fact that I can blogg this stuff without anyone censoring or threatening me.

Yes, I've got it good.

Depression Episode # 897

I'm getting another depression episode and basicly because I have so many responsibilities the next 3 months. I become paralyzed with worries and accomplish alot less than when I'm feeling normal. I just read this quote:

"Concern should drive us into action and not into depression."
- Karen Horney


I am going to try and keep up the action to avoid the depression. The weather here has also been so bad and it's been so dark, thank god I'm going to the States in a few weeks, I'll get a little sunshine to nourish my brain.

Happy New Years!

I'm looking forward to tonight, my son and I just bought $90 worth of fireworks and we're going to shoot up alot. Iceland is a great place to be on New Years Eve, most people buy fireworks and have a great time.

I wish I were at a bar with Pig Alloy at the moment

Current mood: depressed

I'm working alot at the moment and feel overwhelmed and an urge to sink into the good old place of self-pity? Why don't we humans see how good we have it, I've come a long way baby and I can't forget that as long as I live. My life today is nothing that I dared dream of when I was younger, I have rights and comforts that most of the women of this World don't even know about. I fought my way out of a destructive life and came out so much stronger. Hey it's Christmas and it's making me all weird, today I have the gift of making new and great memories........................ Yes I will get over this depressive episode and fix something that needs fixing inside of me!