Depression got a Hold of me Again

I've been dealing with some depression lately, it hits me without a warning at the strangest times. Usually I just isolate myself but this time I tried to do good things for people around me and it eased the pain a little. My youngest brother stayed with us for a while and it felt giving to spoil him and my son a little bit. They went out to the store the other day and bought a bunch of candy and boy did they have a feast in the living room that night. Having my brother around has also brought some life into the house, kids running around and jumping on the trampoleene all day, trashing the place and dirtying up the floors, you've got to love it.

I think a big part of my depression is this sadness that hits me which basicly deals with unsolved issues from my childhood, sometimes I doubt that I will ever be at peace with some of the people that betrayed my trust. I think being betrayed as a child is so much worse because we don't have the maturity to comprehend the weaknesses in grown ups, we look up to them like gods in a way. I go through this sadness and the pain is so hard to accept sometimes, I try to avoid it but it returns unexpected and hits me harder.

I haven't planned my summer vacation yet and have been avoiding it, I must psyche myself up to get some ideas. I'm going to go pet my cat now and listen to some more 'Cat Stevens', he usually cheers me up.

I'm Being a Hermit Today

I'm being a hermit today, most of my family is getting together to watch "Erovision" tonight and I personally can't stand it, it's a song comptetion in Europe where each country sends in a horrible singer and the best song wins? Abba is the only good thing to have come out of that, that tells me everything. I'm blasting Ministry right now, my cat is scared to death of their music he's hiding under the bed.

I have to do some work but I'm tempted to go out with my friend tonight, she's a fisherman and comes home for 4 days each month and likes to go nuts at the bars in Reykjavik. I'll wait and see how my mood will be later on tonight.

I called my friend Jolene thursday and I miss her so much, we got to know each other at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh in 1989. She's going to Amsterdam this summer and I'm so tempted to go meet her this year, she goes there every summer and has been asking me to join her. ARRGHH I miss Jolene, she always brings a smile to my face when I talk to her.

Currently blasting: The Land of Rape and Honey By Ministry

I'm not a Mechanic or Mechanicly Inclined!

I was looking at my mail on Myspace and have received some really crazy letters from this one person which was on my friends list, like multiple personality sounding fantasy, extremly lame bullshit.

Why would anyone actually think I would need a detailed description on how they are going to build airplanes and ships? I though "is this for real, does this person really think I'm interested in a 500 word essay twice a week about building ships and airplanes?" I'm not a mechanic or mechanicly inclined!

I deleted him and hope he has the sense to join a community online that embraces his interest in airplane and ship building.

Stitch me back together love

I'm sitting here in a place called life!
I'm feeling it but not really liking it?
I'm living it but where is the essence?
Where is the feeling of wanting to go on?
Wanting to love, wanting to discover?

I want to go on and live a life where I feel real.
I want to capture the essence of love and fall
apart!

Stitch me back together love............

The Lady has a Scar

That is how I feel alot of the times, my soul has a scar that will never go away. It's strange how some things we experience in life shape us so deeply and never go away. Having a scar doesn't have to be that bad though, some of my bad experiences have actually made me stronger and gave me the ability to help some friends through very rough times. I also don't get scared when people flip out or use mental abuse, I have become immune to it and actually laugh at them; which is the best weapon for that kind of abuse. Having a scar has also left me feeling strange and alone in a World full of of people that all want to be the same and some times they look and feel the same to me.

So please don't heal or remove these scars, they give me character!

I actually enjoyed baking?

I've been so busy the past weeks, my son had his confirmation and I baked for like 50 people. It was alot of work but I actually enjoyed baking, I felt a need to stay at home. Seriously, I work like 9 hours a day and never have time to do little things like bake or cook a good meal that takes some time. After all the baking I did my apartment was so trashed, I swear I was like picking chocolate chips off my socks for a few days and every thing in the kitchen was covered with flour.

Anyway, my son was very happy with all the cakes and he got alot of nice presents from our relatives.

Another painful episode in my life?

I just cut off all my hair, I couldn't stand it any more! It will grow back and the haircut doesn't look too bad on me. This winter has been so busy and my long hair was getting in my way and taking too much time to take care of, so out came the scissors and I cut away.

I've been chatting with my first boyfriend online for about a month now, he actually found me on this singles thing here in Iceland and gave me a call one day. It's really strange getting in touch with some one I dated 20 years ago, god I'm getting old. He was my first love and I have always kept a place for him in my heart. I am accepting the fact that he's still the same guy that broke my heart back then and I have a feeling he hasn't changed much. So why do I invite this into my life, could it be that I'm attracted to men that play evil mind games? He's seriously messing with my head at the moment and I really don't need another painful episode in my life, I must close this door and walk away. There is so much good in life and surrounding myself with it is not that hard, all I need to do is keep listening to my heart.

Flipping out on a Friday Night!

Yes! It's Friday and I'm in a great mood, dancing and blasting music all by myself. My son went to stay at his friends so I can act crazy without bothering any one, well my neighbors and cats might get a little pissed at me ;-) I'm blasting 80's right now and will get to the 70's soon. I've had a really long work week and deserve to flip out a bit.

My employer will most likely close down next year so being prepared is a smart move. I have been a bit depressed over this but after my class in NYC I felt an energy boost to keep on going. That's what life is all about, keep on going even if everything seems bleak and hopeless.

Now I've got ABBA blasting, "Money, Money, Money; must be funny in a rich man's World!" I'm starting to feel bad for my neighbors now.....

Blow Me!

I swear to god, some people need to get a life! I was watching TV last night and this show about a Beverly Hills hair Salon was on (Blow Out), I guess it was one of those reality shows which are very popular today. Anyway, the show was about this owner that totally picked on his employees and talked behind their backs every chance he got??? Is this kind of shit really popular today?? What's going on with this world, do we get off on seeing people treat each other like shit? I really wanted to tell that owner off after watching that show, and I really can't believe they would do a whole TV show about an asshole like him?

I think it's, No More reality TV in my home, I really don't want my son watching that stuff and thinking it's alright to mentally abuse people every chance you get.

ARRRGH, life hurts!

I haven't had time to blog for over a month, alot has been going on in my life. I went to NYC for eight days to take a class, the class was great but it was so cold in the city. It was actually alot colder in NYC than in Iceland!

I met up with my good friend Eve and went to a great Indian restaurant, god I missed the various types of food you can find in NY. It was very sad though because Eve's mom got diagnosed with cancer a year ago. Eve's been through so much in the past year and I really didn't see a reason to be happy that night. Her mom passed away tuesday night after battling cancer for a year. All of this brought up the memories of the cancer my grandmother died of and I realize that we grieve forever, the pain just eases a little bit, but it will always be there.

Eve did get silly drunk and grab my ass though, yeah baby ;-)

-The picture is of Eve and I taken 1986 in a photo booth at the mall.